Learning to be alone again…
Today has been the first really normal day since I’ve returned to Canada. And it sucks.
I’ve been unpacking and cleaning all day without seeing a soul except for the brief encounter with one of my roommates. This was my norm before I left. I treasured these moments of solitude when I could think and dance and just do whatever I wanted in the privacy of my own space.
But now.. It’s different.
When I first arrived in Malawi, I fought so hard to find my quiet place, to take some alone time away from my host family. I needed it. To organize my thoughts, to take a breather from the culture shock, to be myself in the presence of only myself…
Near the end of my placement, I hardly ever took any alone time. I’d grown used to the routines and become comfortable in the communal space where you are only ever alone in your mind. I now realize that I dearly miss the community, especially since nothing like it exists in my Canadian cultural norms.
So now what?
Instead of turning to netflix as an emotional handicap and substitute for being alone, I think I might just finish cleaning my room first. Then I’m going to order some takeout and maybe read a book and knit.
It’s lonelier, for sure. But I think I just need to accept that I’ll always love that part about village life in Malawi and try to rediscover the solitary activities that are different, but are also of value.
There is no such thing as the perfect environment. You just gotta work with what you’ve got… Or at least that’s what Malawi has taught me this summer.
Today’s Reverse Culture Shock: I found myself frowning at the bus stop the other day and forced myself to smile. But it just felt awkward and out of place. In Malawi I had always tried to smile and be approachable but I’m finding that my norm here in Ottawa is to be as unapproachable as possible. The same seems to go for everybody else. But it’s funny because nobody would ever approach anybody else anyhow, regardless of a smile on their face or not.